As the holidays approach, many look forward to time spent with family and friends. But possibly just as many do not. Let’s face it, relationships can be messier than grandma’s famous sticky buns. And during the holidays, special situations arise where we may have to see estranged relatives or interact with former friends – activities that might be avoided at any other time of the year.
Yet even in the potential strain or awkwardness, we want to enjoy this time of the year to the fullest. More importantly, we want to honor God in the way we interact with others. If you’re looking at a Thanksgiving-to-New-Year stretch that has potential for conflict, let’s take a look at one of the Bible’s most conflict-ridden characters to glimpse God’s heart for us in the middle of it all.
Joseph: Family Conflict
Joseph’s family life was riddled with conflict from the first time we meet him in Genesis 37. As a seventeen-year-old kid, we see him leveraging his favorite-son status to stir up conflict with his brothers through bad reports and prideful dreams. Verse four explicitly says that his brothers “hated him and could not speak peacefully to him.”
As a result, his brothers sold him into slavery – a “mercy” compared to their initial plan to outright kill him, but a possible death sentence nonetheless. As a pleading Joseph is lead away to an unknown terrible future, his brothers proceed to lie to their father, causing him decades of grief.
Favoritism, pride, hatred, betrayal, and lies. This is daytime TV-worthy family conflict, without a doubt.
Joseph: “Friend” Conflict
Soon Joseph arrived in Egypt, where he became a slave in Potiphar’s household. There he was noticed for his work ethic and also for his looks, particularly by Potiphar’s wife. Despite his continued refusal, she repeatedly tried to seduce him. Eventually she turned the tables and accused him of attempted assault. Joseph was nothing but a “friend” to her household, yet this woman told a lie that ruined him.
Furious, Potiphar had Joseph thrown into prison, where he became acquainted with Pharaoh’s baker and cupbearer. When the two of them had disturbing dreams, Joseph humbled himself before God to interpret them. Within days, the cupbearer was released from prison, just as his dream had predicted. Joseph asked his new “friend” the cupbearer to put in a good word with Pharaoh when he got out, hoping to right the injustice he was enduring. But two full years passed and Joseph was left forgotten in the dungeon.
Seduction, false accusations, injustice, and broken promises. The relational conflict in Joseph’s life would not let up.
Joseph: Responding to Conflict
And yet, through it all, God was at work. Eventually, Pharoah had dreams of his own, and suddenly the cupbearer remembered his good “friend” in prison. God gave Joseph the interpretation of Pharoah’s dreams, as well as a wise strategy to save the nation. Impressed, Pharoah made Joseph his right-hand man.
Soon severe famine overtook the entire region, just as Pharoah’s dreams foretold. Joseph’s brothers came to buy grain in well-stocked Egypt. He recognized them, but they didn’t have the slightest clue that this was the brother they’d sold off decades before.
This is Joseph’s moment.
A special event (ahem, not unlike a holiday) brought people back into Joseph’s life that he thought he’d never see again. Put yourself in Joseph’s sandals. For some, it’s quite easy. Imagine you’re face-to-face with the very people who hurt you worse than you ever thought possible, and they’re acting like nothing happened. Pretend the people who betrayed you are now at your door asking to be fed. Oh, and think how you’d feel if the same people who lied about you and intentionally forgot about you are now at your work parties.
Joseph knows all about that. He knows about the conflict in the room, and the even greater conflict swirling inside you. Here’s how he responded:
- He didn’t take vengeance. We know that Joseph was not immediately ready to hug it out with his brothers. Genesis 42:7 says he “spoke harshly to them.” I think everyone would agree he has a legitimate reason to be upset, considering the whole pit-slave-prison plotline they created. And yet, despite his righteous anger (righteous anger is being angry about what God is angry about -- in this case, sin and injustice), he didn’t take the vengeance that he could have. He could’ve turned them away to starve, but instead he gave them free grain. He could’ve thrown them all in prison indefinitely, but instead he only kept one brother imprisoned temporarily. Which leads to the next point…
- He didn’t trust right away. Last time Joseph saw his brothers they were murderous, hateful, and deceitful. Now, they claimed to be “honest men.” (Gen. 42:11) But how could Joseph know whether or not that was true? How would he know if they’d really changed? He wisely put them to a test before taking them at their word. He kept one brother, Simeon, in prison while sending the others back to Canaan to get the last brother, Benjamin. The test was clear: Would they do the right thing this time, or would they leave Simeon to rot in prison like they’d done to him?
- He showed grace but kept distance. When the brothers returned as they promised, Joseph gave them land nearby in Goshen, literally saving their lives. But notice that he did not have them move right in to the palace or even the capitol. He was generous and kind to his family, but he still maintained some boundaries.
- He chose to acknowledge God’s sovereignty. In Genesis 50:20, we see Joseph’s famous line, “you meant evil against me, but God meant it for good.” That’s a perspective of choice. Joseph could have continued to focus on the very real harm done to him, but instead he chose to see God’s hand of goodness through it all, a goodness that eventually saved at least two entire nations.
Responding to Our Own Conflicts
This holiday season, conflict is inevitable for many of us. Let’s not sugar coat it – it’s hard to see people who have harmed us. I’m learning that the hard way, and so are many of my dear friends. Here are two examples.
Forgive, yet trust carefully.
There’s a big difference between forgiveness and reconciliation. Forgiveness is a personal heart response which lets go of vengeance. It’s a biblical command that has nothing to do with the other person. Reconciliation, on the other hand, is not a command (in fact, sometimes the Word is clear that it’s not even possible), and it depends on whether or not the other person proves themselves trustworthy.
A friend of mine has endured decades of abusive conflict with a family member. Over and over, she’s trusted this person; over and over her trust has been broken. Finally, a Christian counselor gave her the visual illustration of setting up a lawn chair. She likened my friend’s complete trust in the past to “moving all her furniture in” to the relationship. Every time her trust was broken, she had to move everything out again. Instead, the counselor encouraged her to “bring a lawn chair” to the relationship. Meaning, interact cautiously with this person, watching to see if they’d truly changed – like Joseph did – before fully trusting again. So far, my friend has never gotten past the “lawn chair” stage, a reality that is sad for the relationship but wise in protecting her heart.
Focus on God’s goodness daily.
A few months ago, at a special event, I saw a woman who had been a major player in the greatest hurt I’ve ever experienced in my life. I honestly hoped I’d never see her again. When I unexpectedly did, I literally began shaking, my body responding in fear to the intense internal pain. And what was worse, her presence at this event made it clear that I’d have to see her regularly in the future.
After I calmed down, God brought Joseph’s story to mind. Because here’s the thing: Despite the evil in that greatest-hurt-of-my-life experience, God truly did use it for my good. I could see that good, even though it didn’t feel good. A few days later, I met with the woman. I shared my hurt with her, but I also shared God’s goodness behind the scenes. It was hard. I see her from a distance often now. That’s also hard.
But I think it was probably hard for Joseph too. I sincerely doubt Genesis 50:20 was a one-and-done kind of line. Now, whenever the hurt twists in my heart (whether it’s triggered by seeing the woman or something else), I’m choosing to mentally list out the good that God’s done. Again, imagine being Joseph -- when he saw Potiphar’s wife around town or when scenes of his brothers’ betrayal popped to mind, I’m sure he had to do the same. Over and over.
If the holidays bring conflicted relationships this year, I get it. It will be hard. But maybe looking to Joseph’s example will help. Show grace, trust carefully, hold necessary boundaries, and focus daily on God’s goodness despite it all.
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