When Faith Has Tears

The phone call on a Sunday morning was a bit unusual, but I could hear the distress in my friend’s voice. “Can you please come to the funeral home right away? We need to talk with you!” I rushed out of church, my mind racing as I tried to decipher his words, wondering what had happened. After pulling into the parking lot, I walked quickly into a small chapel and saw the couple sitting in the front pew clutching each other, their eyes red with tears. My face begged the question and the reply was heart wrenching. Jenny,^* their precious newborn daughter, had just died of SIDS. It was Mother’s Day.

Rarely are there easy answers to events that seem so inherently tragic and untimely. Suicide, fatal accidents, children with cancer, abuse, the death of a spouse, natural disasters, a mastectomy, job loss… the list is endless, the pain crushing, sleep becomes fitful, and questions constantly intrude our waking moments.

While grief and loss are universal, how a person approaches life before, during, and after, is individual and unique. Hudson Taylor, the great missionary who opened up China to the gospel, lost his beloved wife to cholera a week after she gave birth to their son, who also died. In his, anguish, Taylor refused to eat or even leave the gravesite for days as he wrestled within himself and with his God.

Grief and Science

The research continues to show that grief has a “whole-person” impact, and bereavement activates the body’s stress response systems. This can affect cardiovascular, immune, hormonal, neurological, emotional, relational, and spiritual functioning and well-being. Sleep and eating patterns, as well as daily rhythms, are often disrupted in the short-term.

Beyond feelings, severe emotional stress can also precipitate what’s called Takotsubo cardiomyopathy, frequently referred to as “broken heart syndrome.” It is a genuine, usually reversible form of acute heart dysfunction, seen most often in postmenopausal women, and can include symptoms that resemble a heart attack.

Cognitive issues can also surface, sometimes called “grief brain” and can include forgetfulness, the loss of concentration, indecisiveness, intrusive memories or images, and a general mental fog.

When it comes to emotional health, contemporary studies reveal the need for those experiencing grief to develop a dual-process regulation that finds balance between protective avoidance of trauma related factors and healthy adaptation through honest and transparent communication.

Grief and Faith

Grief is not evidence of a weak faith. It’s a normal part of the human experience and the result of living in a fallen and broken world. As believers, we are invited to lament (an honest expression of grief, loss, and sorrow) and not suppress difficult or painful emotions. For many, this is why the book of Psalms brings comfort during the most difficult of times. David encouraged us to, “pour our heart out before [the Lord], for God is a refuge to us” (Psalm 62:8). Faith-based approaches and responses do make a positive difference.

The dark night of the soul can be overwhelming and consume our will to survive the emotional storm. I have had clients who describe their grief and pain as feeling chained within the confines of a dungeon and being engulfed by the darkness. Yet, God is a God of light who always shows us the way out (John 8:12).

Jesus wept over Jerusalem (Luke 19:41-44) and at the tomb of Lazarus (John 11:35). He is not distant from or indifferent to our suffering, but enters into it with us. His answer to our “Why?” questions is His presence, and this is where sorrow meets the Savior.

Grief and Hope

The apostle Paul does not tell us to shun grief, but, “… that you may not grieve as others do who have no hope” (1 Thessalonians 4:13). Christians still grieve—the difference is the presence of hope. This is because our hope is rooted in the resurrection, not wishful thinking. Our grief may still contain tears, but not despair. Faith doesn’t eliminate the tears, but it can offer a deeper meaning and through grace, become an anchor for the soul (Hebrews 6:19). There’s hope beyond the heartbreak.

Grief and Self-care

If you are walking through a valley of grief, here are some practical reminders:

• Get extra rest. Fatigue is a normal part of grief.
• Give yourself permission to slow down. Healing takes energy.
• Delay major life decisions when and if possible.
• Read comforting Scripture slowly rather than trying to study deeply.
• Give yourself permission to cry.
• Talk with someone who’s safe and trustworthy.
• Journal your thoughts and prayers.
• Don’t apologize for grieving.
• Stay connected and don’t isolate yourself.
• Seek professional help or a support group if necessary.
• Listen. Listen some more. Listen well.
• Understand the power of presence and just “being there.”
• Allow silence and don’t feel pressured to “fix” anything.
• Don’t rush the grieving. It takes time.
• Allow for tears and lament.
• Be patient with emotional ups and downs. Grief is not linear.
• Offer practical help along with spiritual and emotional care.
• Be sensitive to “anniversary” triggers of an event or loss.
• Pray with them when it’s appropriate and permitted.
• Watch for isolation and encourage seeing a professional counselor, along with providing suggestions, if needed.

Grief and the Church

If you have a friend, colleague or loved one who has experienced a crisis or trauma resulting in grief, consider the following:

From Tragedy to Trust

Horatio Spafford, a prominent American lawyer, was marked by a series of tragedies. During the Great Chicago Fire of 1871, he experienced financial ruin and lost nearly all of his investment properties. Then in 1880, his only son died of scarlet fever at the age of four. Three years later, he and his wife, Anna, planned a trip to Europe for a family vacation. When business demands delayed him, he sent his wife and four daughters ahead, and while crossing the Atlantic in the steamship, S. S. Ville du Harve, the vessel shipwrecked and though Anna was spared, he lost all four of his daughters.

As Horatio traveled to meet with his grieving wife after the maritime disaster, and as he was passing through the same waters where the du Harve went down, he penned one of our most beloved hymns, It Is Well With My Soul. The first stanza speaks deeply from his heart:

When peace, like a river, attendeth my way,

When sorrows like sea billows roll;

Whatever my lot, Thou hast taught me to say,

It is well, it is well with my soul.

The words of the psalmist bring comfort to many who likewise have proclaimed that even though, “Weeping may endure for a night, joy comes in the morning” (Psalm 30:5). Grief will never have the final word because of Christ’s victory over death, and He Himself will wipe away every tear from our eyes.

Looking for spiritual support? You’re not meant to walk alone. Stay connected with the Medi-Share blog for uplifting articles, useful tips, inspirational stories and helpful resources to support you on your journey with God.