As a Christian counselor, I understand that whenever a client is looking for help with an issue, it often stems from a bad habit they can’t seem to break. In my first session with them, which is pivotal for establishing trust and rapport, I seek to enter their world, figure out what’s going on with them, and understand how I can be of help.
What a Surprising Question Reveals
One of the typical first questions I ask is usually something like, “What brings you in for therapy?” They are expecting this kind of question and can share in depth about how they are struggling and why they need help. But things get interesting when I ask an unexpected question, such as, “Tell me about your strengths. What is working well in your life?” I am always fascinated by how few people are prepared to answer that sort of question.
The response is usually awkward silence or a glance of surprise.
I’ll follow up by asking the question another way: “It would help me to understand what is extraordinary about you, what you love, and where you shine most brightly.”
To this they often respond with eyes widening in anxiety. I find that many people are carrying around so much shame that they truly can’t answer that question. I think they know how they would like to answer, but they give in to the social pressure of not talking about what they most like about themselves.
The Polar Bear Effect
There’s a well-known psychology study that helps us understand a bit more about why this happens. In the study, a picture of a polar bear was shown to several people, who were then secluded in a quiet room with nothing but a bell. Their instructions were to ring the bell whenever they thought of the image of the polar bear. As always in these studies, a second group was given an additional instruction: “…and try not to think about the bear.”
You can likely guess the outcome. Those who were only told to ring the bell did so fairly frequently during the early part of the experiment, but after some time had passed, they rang the bell less and less often. However, those who were encouraged not to think about the bear couldn’t seem to help themselves. They rang the bell earlier and more often than the other group, and the ringing only intensified over time.
The Power of Positive Focus
It's a simple concept likely familiar to many of us: the more you try not to think about something, the more your thoughts return to that subject. How many times have you been awake late into the night replaying a conversation in your mind that you wish you could take back? Or how often do your thoughts return to the dessert sitting out on the counter that you know you shouldn’t consume? Trying to avoid thinking about something is practically a guarantee that you will. Indeed, think about it.
This is the secret to understanding why we try and fail so often when it comes to breaking a bad habit. Attempting to break the habit means you are thinking about it nearly constantly. This recurring thought pattern makes you more vulnerable to repeating the habit. So, a shift in our thinking pattern is what is required here.
Start With What You Love
Instead of thinking about what we want to stop, think about what we want to start. Rather than dwelling on what we hate, dwell on what we love. Focus on what would be most helpful to us instead of what is hurting us.
This takes us back to my surprising question for new clients. We need to name the things that make us shine, give voice to the desires that drive us and declare what is special and wonderful about ourselves. We must discover our ambition for the things that matter most. And this means knowing our gifts and strengths, a much less comfortable conversation than what we are accustomed to having.
The next time someone asks, “How’s it going?” rather than reply with the rote “Things are good!,” consider going a bit deeper. The pat answer is the easy answer, but how much more encouraging would it be for you and the other person if you responded instead with something like, “I’m having the best time living into my hopes and my passions today.”
Make Resolutions That Matter
As we begin making yet another list of New Year’s Resolutions that are more about breaking bad habits, why don’t you think instead about the positive changes you would like to incorporate. I would recommend sitting down with the people you love and who love you, and having some initially awkward conversations. Instead of focusing on the weight you’d like to lose or the social media addiction you’d like to overcome, bring out into the open the anxiety that keeps you from embracing your gifts and passions. Discuss what inspires and motivates you and listen to what your loved ones say about the strengths they see in you.
Stop the Ringing, Start the Changing
Don’t be afraid to voice the longings deep down inside of you. They were put there for a reason, and deciding to pursue them for a change – perhaps with embarrassing enthusiasm, will lead you to who you want to be rather than trying to stop being who you don’t want to be.
The alternative is to keep snapping the rubber band on your wrist every time you repeat the bad habit, and saying you really mean it, you are going to change this time. But we all know where that road leads. Avoiding thinking about the polar bear just makes you think more about the polar bear, ringing that bell again and again.
Stop the ringing, and start the changing.
