I wonder what my children will say about me when they’re grown. The world is full of parents who’ve tried their best and now the men and women they once called “child” won’t answer the phone when they call. Far better men than me have held the title “father” and have trained up children in the way they should go, only to watch that famous Proverb be proved more a general rule rather than a concrete, spiritual law. Proverbs 22:6 says, “Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.”
I’d like to provide a few “key tips for raising Christian children”, but I don’t think that will help anyone much (and I’m sure it’s already been done). Instead, I offer only reflections (or perhaps, “meditations”) on raising children in this strange time of the already-not-yet-kingdom, between the Resurrection and the Return.
Children of Another Father
One of the most wonderful and terrifying things about raising children inside of a Christian home is the strange duality of our lives. I am an American citizen, much as Paul was a Roman one. And yet I am more a citizen of a kingdom that is here in me, but not yet here on the earth in full: the Kingdom of God.
My four boys are my and my wife’s children, by blood and by law. And yet, they are more God’s children, literally bearing His image even more than they bear my own. Imago dei.
I am raising God’s children.
For me, this is perhaps the healthiest starting place when discerning how to parent. I suppose the reasoning is obvious, and we don’t need to spend much time on it. Though, perhaps that is my greatest failure as a parent: I don’t spend much time on it. Rarely do I look at my son and think, “he is God’s child, so I will handle his disobedience accordingly.”
If my sons are God’s children, then I must strive to parent them as God parents His children.
This doesn’t get me to “3 principles for Christian parenting”, but it does draw me into the Scriptures for study, meditation, and prayer. God is infinitely wise, and this shows in the way He seems to heap both justice and mercy on His people with reckless abandon (well, “reckless” from my perspective, anyway). Wisdom doesn’t follow simple rules about knowing when to issue grace instead of punishment.
Cain kills his brother, Abel, and God sends Cain out of Eden and away from His intimate presence (Genesis 4). Based on God’s own Law that He would give Moses, Cain should have been killed (see Exodus 21). But God doesn’t bring about that just punishment. Instead, He heaps on grace by protecting Cain from those who may desire to kill him.
God tells Adam and Eve that in the day they eat of the fruit of the Knowledge of Good and Evil, they will surely die. And the day they eat of it; an animal dies instead (Genesis 3).
All this to say, attempting to imitate God as a parent is a complicated and meditative process, without clear lines and obvious answers. But that’s how parenting is: complicated and without clear lines and obvious answers.
I suppose this is our first meditation: we are to parent our children as God parents His, a prospect we cannot do without His wisdom. How fortunate are we that James assures us that all we need to do is ask, and wisdom shall be given. (James 1:5)
Citizens of Another Nation
I don’t focus on trying to raise children who are good American citizens, for their calling is so much higher than that. If my boys become citizens (ambassadors, even!) of the Kingdom of God, they will excel as citizens of any earthly kingdom.
However, raising citizens of this already-not-yet kingdom is a daunting task.
Jesus teaches us about citizenship to this Kingdom in His “Sermon on the Mount”, recorded in the Gospel according to Matthew, chapters five through seven. Here we learn that citizens of the Kingdom of God (or “Kingdom of Heaven” as Matthew has it), are people who (amongst other things):
- Love their enemies.
- Do not hate or slander.
- View others without adulterous hearts.
- Store up treasures in Heaven.
- Give generously of their possessions.
- Will receive abuse from the world.
And so much more.
Even when my children are young, I must keep the vision of Christ and His Kingdom firmly rooted in my mind. I am raising children to be like Jesus, not like the world. But how do I prepare my sons to love people who hate them? How do I cultivate in them convictions to purity that are so strong, and yet not lead them into religious pride? How do I teach them to give away their earthly possessions when I desire for them to be safe and secure?
And I feel as though I cannot even fathom them receiving hatred and abuse.
So how does a man like me cultivate citizens like this?
One of the first sermons I can ever recall hearing was themed on parenting. I was sixteen then, but I still remember the pastor teach that we, parents, must be the person we want our children to be.
I must first be the citizen of this Kingdom, and then I can raise children into it.
This doesn’t mean that God cannot raise our children up for his own glory and purpose. Not at all! But it does mean that we should partner with God by first being Kingdom citizens.
If we disparage others because of their political beliefs, can we adequately train our children to love their enemies? If a father views women as objects, will he be able to raise his children to have pure hearts? If a mother values financial stability over sacrificial giving, will she be able to raise her children to store up treasure in Heaven?
Luke records Jesus saying to his disciples, “It is inevitable that stumbling blocks come, but woe to one through whom they come! It is better for him if a millstone is hung around his neck and he is thrown into the sea, than that he may cause one of these little ones to sin” (Luke 17: 1-2 NASB). As parents, we must strive not to bring stumbling blocks before our children but be able to look at them and say with Paul, “Be imitators of me, just as I also am of Christ” (1 Corinthians 11:1 NASB).
Praise God for His grace, for He is working as Father even when we as parents fail—and may this lead us into a deeper longing for His power and Spirit within us.
In Partnership
Adam and Eve were called to rule alongside God. Jesus now calls us to the same.
Our last reflection is a simple, but profound, one: God’s desire is that, as parent, we engage in the act of parenting alongside Him. Or perhaps another way to put it is that as a father, I must make space for God to also be a Father to my sons.
My personal predisposition is to try to exert control over my life, including in the raising of my children. I’m prone to lecturing, to holding my sons to high standards, and to being incredibly involved in every area of their life.
But as they grow older, that strategy has more to do with my own insecurities rather than simply being “for their own good”.
One day, my children will be removed from my direct provision and authority, but not God’s. Which means, while they are with me, I need to teach them trust and submission to God first and foremost. As they age, I need to push them from “trust in their father” to “trust in their Father”.
And that means I have to trust too. Trust God to parent when I’m not parenting. Trust God to provide for my children when I cannot, to correct them when I cannot, to encourage them when I cannot.
As usual, this doesn’t lead me to simple answers or formulas. But the longer I follow Jesus, the less I think formulas and simple answers are very helpful. It’s in the meditation and the struggle, in the “I don’t knows”, that we become more like Christ.
The incredible thing is, I don’t think my children need an earthly father with all the answers. I think they need parents who cultivate faith and humility in Jesus even in the depths of uncertainty and then pray we can pass that faith on to our sons and daughters.
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