ECCELEIASTES 4:9-10 (NIV)
9 Two are better than one, because they have a good return for their labor:
10 If either of them falls down, one can help the other up. But pity anyone who falls and has no one to help them up.
There is a new epidemic that is making waves across the landscape of our communities. No, I’m not referring to the latest Monkeypox virus morphing into yet another complex virus capable of more death and destruction. Rather, this epidemic is a bit less detectable by most and certainly would never show up in a test at the local Walgreens testing center. I’m referring to the epidemic of loneliness.
For the purpose of this article, I will be addressing male friendships in the context of Christian community. The research is overwhelming; men are having an increasingly difficult time creating and maintaining close friendships. In his recent article entitled, “Men’s Social Circles are Shrinking,” Daniel Cox relates some of the current statistics on this issue of declining male friendships:
As Americans venture back out to reclaim their social lives, a new report reveals a profound change in the nature of American friendships. One of the most important changes revealed by May American Perspectives Survey is the decline of close friendships. In the past three decades, American friendship groups have become smaller and the number of Americans without any close confidants has risen sharply.
But these changes have not affected Americans equally. Men appear to have suffered a far steeper decline than women. Thirty years ago, a majority of men (55 percent) reported having at least six close friends. Today, that number has been cut in half. Slightly more than one in four (27 percent) men have six or more close friends today. Fifteen percent of men have no close friendships at all, a fivefold increase since 1990 (americansurveycenter.org, June 29, 2021.)
I find it to be staggering that most men only have three friends or fewer. I asked myself a few questions about these new realities. Is there a statistical difference in the church community? My sense is the numbers are no different for men within a faith community context. Why is there so much loneliness inside and outside of faith communities? Maybe the reason is we’re not sure how to create a band of brothers that we can share our lives with. In that opening short text in Ecclesiastes, we find hope and comfort in very few words “two is better than one.”
In an intriguing article in Psychology Today entitled, “The Devastating Effects of Men’s Loneliness,” Dr. Arum Weiss makes a keen observation:
Research suggests that a focus on the accumulation of wealth and material goods results in less overall happiness in life and less satisfaction in intimate relationships (Baker, 2017). The Harvard Study of Adult Development (Harvard, 2017) followed a group of men for eight decades. Throughout the study, at different points in their lives, the men were asked, “Who would you call in the middle of the night if you were sick or afraid?” Those men who had someone to turn to were happier in their lives and their marriages, and also physically healthier over time (Psychology Today, November 21, 2021).
Later in this same article, Dr. Weiss makes the point that this acute loneliness is often associated with decreased longevity and a heightened risk of self-harm.
As many experts are agreed that loneliness is a problem in our American male culture, I have often wondered how the Christian community will respond to these shifts in culture and begin to address the critical needs that appear in front of us. How did we get here and what can be done to mitigate the risk of churches without genuine male friendships? I will use my experience as a friend and brother to offer some practical suggestions for changing the landscape in our local churches to include the beauty of “men dwelling together in unity” (Psalm 133:1).
Friendship is a Biblical solution to the issue of loneliness. When men can find, develop, and maintain friendships, the burden of loneliness recedes and we feel whole again. The scriptures are filled with examples of men and women who learned the value of friendship. The wise Solomon makes a proclamation that rings true in the 21st century as it did in the 6th century BCE when he penned, “two are better than one.”
What can we do as men to wage war on loneliness and all of the negative physical and psychological effects that are within our faith communities? Over the years, I personally have learned some things that might be helpful in your journey to deep and meaningful friendships. No doubt, these principles that have been helpful in my friendship journey will be helpful to you as you move forward building the friendships necessary for spiritual growth. While certainly not a relationship guru, I’m confident that these principles are spiritually sound.
What happens when we put forth the effort required to build friendships? The short answer is that we become better men. We need to and should willfully and intentionally give our friends permission to confront us and hold us accountable for our actions. And, because we are allowing for constructive feedback, our lives are examined by another believer who can offer words of wisdom we had not yet considered (iron sharpens iron).
Oh, it might be painful to hear, but we become better men when someone who loves us speaks into our lives, and ultimately, we become better men in the process. We often cannot see the forest for the trees in our lives. Our friends can often see things we cannot, and can address them in the context of love and concern.
My life was transformed by the power of friendships as I moved into a new community in which I had no family or friends. In Christian community, these two brothers showed the love of Christ and a genuine interest in my welfare. We prayed together, we laughed together, and the curse of loneliness was broken. Life had significantly more meaning and my relationship with Jesus Christ improved. We shared, we laughed, and we even cried together as the circumstances dictated. In short, we did life together and, as brothers, we kept each other in the loop concerning our lives and ministry. I was challenged in friendship. I became aware of my shortcomings and failures in friendship. But, at the end of the day, there were men in my band of brothers who saw me, who heard me, and who loved me for who I was. And what man in their right mind does not want to be seen, heard, and loved?
I’m not being a Pollyanna here, but friendship can be messy and complicated as men strive for Christ-likeness. Friends don't always agree on things, and sin can complicate the best of friendships, but in the end the gift that was given by our creator in friendship is a solid solution to the loneliness and isolation of men in community. And the words of King Solomon still ring true today: “two are better than one.”
As seen in the Christian Post and on Christian Today.